Saying No

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How To Say “No” Without Hurting Feelings or Feeling Guilty 

The word “no” is interesting!  It is just two little letters that we have assigned such importance.  If you have a hard time saying no without feeling bad then there are two things going on that represent poor boundaries.  One is taking responsibility for others emotions and the other is being a people pleaser.  

There is a fundamental flaw in our society that says “I have power over your emotions and I need to be careful what I say because I could hurt you”.  This is an absolute untruth and presumes we are much more powerful than we actually are.  No one has control over someone else (except in cases of imprisonment and slavery).  No one has control over someone else’s feelings.  We are the expert of ourselves and have absolute ownership and control over our own emotions, thoughts and actions.  

If someone says something to be that pushes a button, it is my choice how to handle it.  I can be mad, I can cry, or I can say “sure, no problem” and go about my day.  It is my choice which tool I pull out of my tool belt.  Just know that when people have a reaction to something you say it is not because of you, it is because they are projecting their baggage, ALWAYS!  

Second, it is not our job to fix; rescue and care give everyone else (this does not apply to children, the sick, elderly, etc.…).  We do this because it leaves us feeling needed or good about ourselves.  But it does not work and is draining because it robs people from learning about their own strength, resilience and creativity.  

We are so conditioned to not feel “bad” that it has stopped us from learning our lessons.  We are only responsible for our selves and if we say “no” and feel bad it is because we have work to do on ourselves. 

 

Thank you,

Cynthia Pickett, LCSW

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