How to Deal with a Smothering Partner

How to Deal with a Smothering Partner

Relationships are about accepting people exactly as they are.  It is disrespectful, and not our job, to say a person needs to change their faults and flaws in order to be with us.  Rather our work is about healing ourselves so we are not hooked by our partner’s defects; either they fit well and their baggage being such that you can accept, or not.  

When a partner is smothering it’s because 1) they are insecure and 2) they are trying to control you.  Neither of which is healthy for the relationship.  Healthy relationships are about acceptance, trust and freedom.  Freedom to have a life outside the relationship: while that is scary for some it makes for having a much more interesting partner.  

Here are some things you can try that will bring about healing.  Talk to your partner and tell them you are feeling smothered.  When the clinginess is happening gently point it out.  Support your partner’s quest for healing their insecurities that drive the neediness.  Learn to say “No” so you can create some distance for yourself.  If you have a hard time saying “No” that is your work to do.  There is nothing at all wrong with saying “No”.  If it upsets them, know you are being controlled and really need to say “No” to set a healthy boundary for yourself.  

Another thing to look at is your own neediness.  A lot of the time what bothers us in our partner is our own flaw being highlighted.  Your behavior may be different but the underlying emotional insecurity is the same.  Work to heal your own insecurities and see if that in and of itself changes the dynamics of the relationship.  

If the neediness doesn’t stop then you will have to decide if you can accept your partner exactly as they are or do you need to move on.   By learning to accept others we are really learning to accept ourselves.  Which in turn makes us much healthier individuals and more interesting partners.  We all yearn to be loved exactly as we are so now is your chance to provide that to both yourself and your beloved.  

Thank you,

Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC