How can I communicate without sounding needy?

How to Communicate Without Being Needy

Great communication is such an important tool to have in any relationship!  The primary issue that makes it hard is worrying about what others will think about us.  The truth is no amount of walking on eggshells will guarantee a favorable outcome.  All we can do is our best.  

If our partners want to understand, meet, or see us they will.  We cannot make anyone hear us, get us or make him or her change their behavior.  Trying to do so will make us appear needy and clingy.  However, there are some guidelines that will help us to communicate from our highest and best place, which will increase our chances of being heard.

1. Don’t make others responsible for your feelings.  Most of our society has this one wrong and it is the epitome of neediness.  When we come to the table being willing to take responsibility for how we feel, it takes a huge burden off our partner’s shoulders.  They don’t feel the pressure to say or do the right thing, which allows them to relax and meet us in the conversation.  Your partner will be more comfortable around you.
2. Be open in your communication.  This means establishing two-way communication that includes hearing, listening and talking.  Don’t get mad at what they say even if you don’t like hearing it (it is ok to show emotion but if you lash out they will shut down), no interrupting, and have open body language.  
3. Be honest.  Fully speak your truth.  This is where being responsible for others’ feelings becomes a problem.  You HAVE to be able to speak your truth and then know whatever reaction is triggered in your partner, respect and trust that they can handle it.  
4. Be direct.  No sugar coating and wishy-washy words like,” kinda, sorta, maybe.”  These words are misleading and open the door for miscommunication.  Be clear about what you mean to say and say it.  
5. Be respectful.  No yelling, name calling, eye rolling, no personal attacks, no laundry lists of prior complaints.  Talk to your partner as you would your best friend or boss.  

There are no guarantees on how people will perceive you but using these tools will put you in a place of owning your own personal power.  When we stand firm in your personal power we are not needy or clingy so it would be very hard to be perceived that way.  

– Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC