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How to Forgive Another If They Are Not Sorry
Our society teaches us that a person must apologize for us to forgive. That is not the truth, forgiveness is not about the stereotypical forgive and forget, rather it is about releasing our own anger about a situation so that it no longer has a hold over us.
Usually when we feel someone owes us an apology, it is our way of trying to feel better. Why even ask for, or hint at, an apology? If someone feels they need to give it, they will. But apologies are usually superficial-meaning that the offending behavior does not change. If a person is really sorry, it is best to express it in action rather than words.
Forgiveness is just getting rid of the anger we hold toward a person or situation. That is it! It doesn’t have anything to do with apologies or deciding to stay or leave a relationship. To release the anger, feel the feeling and express it healthily through exercise, journaling, venting with a safe person, etc. When you can think of the person or situation without being angry, then you have released all the anger and are free from the hold it had over you.
Separate from forgiveness is deciding if the offending behavior is a deal breaker for the relationship. We cannot ask others to change. Everyone deserves to be loved just as they are. But we can decide what behaviors we will accept and what we won’t. When we are free from the anger, it will give us the clear vision to see what choice is for our highest and best good.
– Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC
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