Building Self Confidence
I am going to share some of my personal story on how to build self-confidence. This process not only led to my building confidence but also opened the door for so many other blessings to follow.
Twenty-seven years ago I was a non-functioning train wreck of a person. I literally could not function on any level. For example, I could not hold a job, couldn’t mange a simple checking account, couldn’t maintain any sort of relationship with men or women, had page after page of F’s on my college transcripts; you get the picture? Overall my self-confidence was below zero, I didn’t think I could succeed at anything! However, I was determined to change the way I was living and found a way to recreate myself. In the years since “hitting bottom” I graduated Suma Cum Laude with page after page of A’s (literally nothing in between), learned to have healthy relationships with solid boundaries, and not only manage a checkbook but own two corporations, I built a successful therapeutic practice and now also own and manage a healing arts center. Most importantly, along the way I learned to love me, to take care of me, and to become my own best friend. While most people are not the hot mess I was, the process of healing is the same for us all. The method I used is permanent, it is liberating, it is healing to mind, body and spirit, and it is hard work.
Along the way, I have tried most other healing modalities (prayer, meditation, yoga, anger management, Native American rituals and ceremonies, implemented Buddhist philosophies, acupuncture, Qigong, talk therapy, stress management, changing thoughts, etc.). All of these techniques are wonderful for supporting the body, mind, and spirit! However, the thing that helped me to change my patterns at the deepest level, to bring about permanent life style changes, that gave me enduring self-confidence, was by taking a look at my baggage and doing my emotional healing work.
Eighteen years ago, I was still very insecure but at least able to function at a pretty high professional level and could fake self-confidence. While I projected an image of confidence I still doubted myself, the fears weren’t significantly changing with all the things I had been doing. I looked better on the outside but wasn’t much better on the inside.
One of my Native American mentors told me to “let it go”. The frustrating part is that I thought I had been getting go so had no idea exactly what that meant or exactly how to do it. I felt like I was even failing at this too. So I decided to let go of the feelings, literally. As emotions came to the surface during different situations I would tuck them away until I was by myself and then let the feelings flow in private. While out on my early morning jog or hike I would put on dark glasses and start feeling the feelings I had neatly tucked away. I was literally crying with sunglasses on jogging around my neighborhood at 5:30-6:00-6:30 every morning. I would start “picking the scabs” of the past and opening the little boxes stuffed deep inside and then let those feelings bubble to the surface. Using emotions to fuel a workout gives you quicker and greater results on both ends. Then at the end of the workout, I stuffed away all the feelings just like I had been doing my whole life and went to work. The positive effect was immediate. I started feeling lighter, more peaceful and more confident. I did this nearly every day for a long time. It becomes intoxicating because after releasing the emotions the benefit is immediate and noticeable. Over time I became more and more deep down confident, I wasn’t taking things so personally anymore, I was saying no to drama and toxic people, I was feeling much better about myself. All I did was be brave enough to feel my feelings.
I know very few people have an extra 30 minutes daily or a few times a week to spare. Some things that have worked for clients is getting up 30 minutes earlier, saying no to after work obligations, and learning to put your needs ahead of others. No, this is not selfish. Selfish is spoiled rotten brat stuff. This is self-centered and comes under “if I don’t take care of me, I can’t take care of anyone else”. Growth is mandatory for life. Carve out time anywhere you can find it.
If you don’t exercise, then journal out the feelings. Write with streams of tears pouring down your face. When alone cry into a pillow (make sure the home windows are closed so you don’t scare the neighbors), punch a bed if you need too, get a sponge bat and beat a chair. You can also get into your car and go to a park or private spot, and let the feelings out while in your car with the windows rolled up (be safe and make sure you are stopped). The important thing is to not make excuses as to why you can’t and figure out ways that you can.
By getting rid of the old stuff we create room for a new way of living. This is the process we use in my therapy practice to make all sorts of behavioral changes. Not just superficial changes that revert back in a few months but permanent, life long changes. I hope this serves you as well as it has me.
Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC
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