Being Single

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Being Single

One of the dysfunctions of today’s society is the continuous quest to be in a relationship.  The philosophy that we are not complete, or validated, until we are mated is really co-dependent neediness in disguise.  Common language used to hide the neediness is “I just want someone to share my life with”, or “I don’t need a partner I just like having some one around to do things with.”  How we jump from one relationship to another, each time getting married while in the infatuation phase, it is no wonder the divorce rate is at 60%.  As a whole we are a very needy, co-dependent society.  

I too am single and am routinely asked “Are you on Match.com?” No!  “What are you doing to meet someone?”  Nothing!  When I first started getting asked about my quest to find a mate, I felt a small twinge of “something must be wrong with me if I am not partnered.”  I assessed whether I was not looking because of fear, fear of being vulnerable again.  No.  If the answer had been yes, then that would be a different area of healing that needed to occur before getting into another relationship.  

Anyway, I questioned myself as to why I felt the initial pressure.  I discovered there was still a part of me that needed validating from a man.  My own neediness had not been fully healed.  While healing my heart I began examining this coupling pressure, insanity really, that exists today.  I have found that those who are the most concerned with relationship status are the most wounded.  They are the ones who are afraid to be alone.  Remember, everything we say and do is a reflection of what is going on inside us.  No matter how they appear on the outside, those who are judging, pressuring, or routinely asking, are the ones who are afraid to be alone.  

Now when people ask if I have joined a dating service and the question feels more judging than conversational, I consider the source and know they have just given me a glimpse into their pain.  So I silently bless them and ask that they find peace all the while saying out loud “No thank you, I am good”.  

– Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC

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