How to Break Up Gracefully
The key to breaking up gracefully is being aware of what you are doing and why. So often there is a tremendous amount of hurt and pain when a relationship ends. We get so caught up in the emotion that we begin reacting to what’s being said or done. We seek revenge for being hurt, which then only compounds the situation, and it soon becomes a toxic, nasty fight. The key here is to be aware of your actions and to not give yourself permission to behave badly, no matter what the reason. It is okay to feel bad; it is not okay to act bad!
When we remove self-permission to behave badly it makes it so much easier to not react to the situation. Next, make a very detailed list of everything that was wrong in the relationship. In moments of weakness review the list rather than picking up the phone or sending text messages back and forth. If contact is stopped then the situation cannot spiral out of control.
During this time it is important to do a lot of emotional work! This part is really uncomfortable but very necessary to cleanse so you don’t drag the baggage of this relationship into the next. On the one hand, grieve the loss just as you would a death. On the other hand, work on your own hooks, or baggage, that is fueling the emotions. Do you feel abandoned? Betrayed? Are you scared to be alone? During this phase it is very important to be very honest with yourself! These are buttons from the past that need to be healed so you can attract a different kind of partner. Also, by focusing on yourself and not the other person it is much easier to be amicable rather than hostile by placing the emotions where they really belong, on the past.
Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC
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